17 Commencement Speeches By Awesome Comedians As the spring semester draws to a close, college seniors everywhere are not only getting ready for their last final exams, but are also preparing to enter the intimidating world of adulthood. But if there is one bright spot in the dwindling days of college life, it's commencement day. You can finally get your hands on that hard-earned degree, take pictures with all your friends and family and, if you're lucky, maybe even hear a commencement address from a hilarious comedian. Some of the funniest people in the world have visited college graduation ceremonies to deliver the keynote address. The likes of Conan O'Brien, Stephen Colbert, Amy Poehler and Jon Stewart have all given hysterical commencement speeches, while at the same time offering some genuine advice, wisdom and encouragement to college graduates who are about to set off into "the real world." Check out these 17 commencement speeches from notable comedians below and vote for your favorites. Loading Slideshow Related on HuffPost:
15 Unintentionally Perverted Toys for Children Wolverine Squeaky Hammer Yep, that's Wolverine menacingly glaring at your kid with his cock out. Let's just put that on the table right away. We realize a whole bunch of you have already seen the above image, stripped of all context (we bet at least one of you has it as your avatar on a message board somewhere). Nope, it's an officially licensed Marvel toy (an inflatable hammer, you're looking at one end of it) and they all looked like that. Honestly, what happens when your kid comes home and finds that his Wolverine Squeaky Hammer is deflated and, in his mind, he thinks "Wolverine died!" Congrats, your kid now has a grossly inaccurate idea of how CPR works. There's absolutely nothing wrong with this doll, as long as it's not in motion. If you can't watch video on your computer, let's just say that he starts vigorously jerking off while wailing loudly. Why, what noise do you make when you masturbate? We're guessing it took only slightly longer for owners of... Bow-Chicka-Bow-Bow Honestly?
"10 Ways To Tell If You're A Terrible Parent" Parenting is a tough job, no one will ever tell you otherwise. Except probably these parents because they are obviously horrible people. If you're this woman, you're doing it wrong. When Patricia Krentcil's freshly tanned five-year-old is old enough to be terrified of her mother's face, she may put herself up for adoption. Sorry, sorry, that was harsh. Child Protective Services may do that first. Now, I'm not 100% on this because I'm not a parent or anything, but I don't think you're supposed to put anything with a heartbeat into a microwave. If you get a matching tattoo with your 10-year-old, you're doing it wrong. If you're giving your not even a decade old daughter botox injections, you're doing it wrong. If you're funneling beer the day your baby was probably born, you're doing it wrong. If you're letting your toddler smoke anything, you're doing it wrong. If you're doing anything sexual in front of your infant while he/she lies on a cold tile floor, you're doing it wrong.
The Evolution of a Programmer High School/Jr.High First year in College program Hello(input, output) begin writeln('Hello World') end. Senior year in College (defun hello (print (cons 'Hello (list 'World)))) New professional #include <stdio.h> void main(void) { char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"}; int i; for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i) printf("%s", message[i]); printf("\n"); } Seasoned professional Master Programmer Apprentice Hacker Experienced Hacker Seasoned Hacker % cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c % a.out Guru Hacker New Manager Middle Manager mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12 Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello, world."? Senior Manager % zmail jim I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon. Chief Executive % letter letter: Command not found. % mail To: ^X ^F ^C % help mail help: Command not found. % damn! Anonymous If you enjoyed this, you might like:
15 Pictures of Trees That Look Dirty - CollegeHumor Picture Gallery Happy Arbor Day! Celebrate the beautiful majesty of mother nature by looking at some trees that look like dicks. Фото и рисунки, арт и креативная реклама 10 Bears Who Can't Seem To Stay On Their Feet - CollegeHumor Picture Gallery Contrary to popular BEARlief, these fuzzy fellas aren't all that graceful. But that doesn't make them any less human. The fact that they're bears do. Perfect Man/Woman Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Question: Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer. Answer: The perfect woman survived. **** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. **** Men keep scrolling. So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.
BEST PICTURES OF THE WEEK (JUNE 29, 2012) - CollegeHumor Picture Gallery BEST PICTURES OF THE WEEK (JUNE 29, 2012) - CollegeHumor Picture Gallery 15 Moments of Imminent Disaster - CollegeHumor Picture Gallery Sometimes a picture captures that perfect moment between fun and pain, dry and wet, safety and disaster. This gallery celebrates that in-between stage, just moments before disaster strikes. 12 Pictures of Bad Luck on Friday the 13th - CollegeHumor Picture Gallery In 2004, Donald Dossey, founder of the Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute estimated that $800 - $900 million is lost on Friday 13th because people don't fly or do the business they normally do. As unfounded as these superstitions may be, today is the perfect day for a little schadenfreude. Here's 12 pictures of people in unlucky situations.
10 Real Patents for Bizarre Products - CollegeHumor Picture Gallery These are all 100% real patents filed with the US patent office. Now I'm not saying that these don't have a use: I'm sure if I needed to know the time and the only thing around was a clock teddy bear, I'd be grateful to have it. It's just that many of these seem poorly thought it. But judge for yourself.