6 Misleading Assumptions You Make About Quiet People People out there have a lot of funny ideas about quiet people, the worst one being that all quiet people are alike. There are about 10 million reasons why someone might not talk very much, running the gamut from being shy, to hating you, to having sold their voice to a witch in return for legs. People who don't recognize this come up with their own ridiculous assumptions about what quiet people are up to. Even quiet people themselves are guilty of assigning their own traits to all other quiet people in the world. Here's a few of those assumptions. #6. There's a common assumption that all quiet people really want to be talkative, but can't be. First, many people are pretty comfortable with not talking very much, for various reasons other than having low self-confidence or bad social skills. Getty"So I hear you work in an accounting office! Getty"Man, you really ROCKED that version of 'Don't Stop Believing'! The root problem is projection. #5. GettyOnly while you are practicing. #4.
3 Types of Wall Street Protesters Hurting Their Own Cause Dear Occupy Wall Street Protesters, It took me awhile to figure out what was bothering me about you. It certainly wasn't because I'm indifferent to the recession. GettyI shouldn't say no progress. But something didn't sit right. My discomfort was a source of constant irritation to my friends who questioned if I'd secretly gone fascist or at least Republican, but as I asked them to explain the point of the movement each emphasized different things. GettyI see a picture of a giant puppy being sodomized by industrialists. Why so vague when your protest could have some neat disciplined talking points? Personally, I find that message really compelling, and based on your signs I'm guessing you do too, but I don't hear it getting through. And that's a shame because the spokespeople for the status quo want to destroy you. Protesters Who Think the Problem is Simply Corporate Greed "I have . . . had it up to here with these crackedy ass crackers." Let's keep this a movement about change, not blame.
5 Absurd Ways Comic Books Have Resurrected Dead Superheroes Superhero comics have an inherent problem. They are intended to run indefinitely, so you can't really kill off characters. Yet we the reader need to fear for the character's lives when danger is about. They deal with this by repeatedly killing off the good guys, and bringing them back ... often in the most absurd and/or insane way possible... Spider-Man Gives Birth to Himself In a storyline titled "Changes," Spider-Man has to fight The Queen, a ridiculously powerful villainess no one has ever heard of before. The Queen eventually lets Spider-Man escape, having accomplished her goal. The Queen then tracks Spider-Spider-Man down and takes him to her lair, where he can finish his transformation into Frodo's worst nightmare. So even though Spider-Spider-Man is still male, and The Queen never boned him as promised (tease!) "Oh well. But The Queen leaves just in time to miss ... ... Organic webslingers. Also, he discovers that he can also talk to bugs now. So, no explanation, then?
Marvel Comics vs. Science: 5 of the Most Absurd Superhero Origins If there's one thing Stan Lee knew, it was how to create cool, interesting characters that would last for decades and become classic superheroes. And that's a relief, since it's arguable this is in fact the only thing Stan Lee knew, judging by the nonsensical origin stories of some of Marvel Comics' most beloved characters. Whether blasting off to Mars, getting bombarded with radiation or simply watching their families die and vowing to fight crime in a leotard afterwards, Marvel superheroes' career-starting legends all share a unifying trait: they don't actually make an ounce of fucking sense. Origin Story: Hoping to beat the Commies to Mars, '60s super-scientist Reed Richards builds a fab rocket ship and announces his plans to blast off into space. Thanks to Scott Tipton and Comics101.com for the scans! Comic Book Consequences: Naturally, Reed and his friends are exposed to cosmic rays almost instantly:
5 Ways Television Went Crazy Since I Quit Watching in 2003 Sometime in early 2003, I gave up television. It wasn't some conscious decision to try to become a more productive person or anything of the sort. I just found that the remote had become just an extra unused object on my computer desk that got in the way of my mouse, like job applications and intervention letters. But eventually, you find that without it you miss out on a lot of social interactions, especially at work. Over seven years, I had a lot of moments that went like this: "Did you see Family Guy last night?" "No, I don't have TV. "No, I have sex." So I decided to buy cable again, and let me tell you that after seven years without seeing a single episode of anything except by accident, I found myself feeling like a time traveler in a world where everything had gone just a bit insane. It turns out that in the last seven years... We Turned Child Molestation Into a Spectator Sport Is it too late to start the "Child Molestation Batman" meme? We don't want to know what flavor this is.
The 7 Most Hilariously Mismatched Superhero Battles No one can predict what will happen when one superhero takes on another. Well, other than the fact that the guy whose name is on the comic book cover is going to win. Sometimes, you don't even need that. Here are seven match-ups where one party is so clearly outmatched they make Ralph Nader seem like a safe bet. Captain Boomerang Vs. The Flash While most Superman stories boil down to "He punches something REALLY hard" (or in the grittier, psychological stories, "He's really DETERMINED to punch something really hard"), the Flash's stories are based on a fine balance. But even this balance swung over to "wildly one-sided" when he fought Captain Boomerang. We seriously doubt that there is a Boomerang Army, or that they would promote this man to captain. How do you take on a hero who can outrun bullets? Harkness turned to crime after an audience ridiculed his boomeranging prowess, a decision which turned out even worse than you'd expect. Thunderpunch Vs. Starfox Vs. Superman Vs.
The 6 Creepiest Comic Book Characters of All Time Some heroes fight for truth, justice and the American way. Some heroes fight for revenge. These guys here? These guys fight to get laid with underage girls and to make the universe a creepier place. Here are the six comic book characters sure to create an immediate urge to shower. Comet the Super-Horse, from the Superman comics Creepy Because: Bestiality. Comet is Supergirl's pet horse. You see, according to the comic, Comet was once a centaur called Biron back in ancient Greece. Also, Comet periodically turns into a full human, at which point he does what any horse would do: Try to get laid with Supergirl before she can figure out he is really her horse. You see, the horse is in love with the girl who, while he's in horse mode, dry humps his back as a means of transport. That's right, Comet! And to make the whole thing even more unsettling, he is a super-horse, which zoologists tell us adds at least six inches in length and one in girth. Creepy Because: Twincest. Can it get worse?
The 6 Worst Comic Book Super-Husbands It's a tough life for female comic book characters. If you aren't being killed off/raped/depowered/kidnapped to motivate your gormless love interest, you're being fitted for your back brace in order to balance your hilariously over=sized super-boobs. But to make things worse, the potential mates out there among the superheroes will probably convince you you're better off alone. Such as ... Spider-Man AKA Peter Parker Married To: Mary Jane Watson Good Qualities: Spider-Man has a certain Hugh Grant-esque bumbling sweetness about him, and legs that go on for miles. Warning Signs: Spider-Man's a wisecracker. "So I guess that's where I left that web-shooter!" On top of that, he's a terrible provider. The Clincher: Spider-Man sold his marriage to Satan. Spider-Man, in one of his trademark haphazard attempts at doing the right thing, unmasked himself on national television. Mephisto, feeling generous, proposed a deal to Spidey: Aunt May would be returned to full health, bullet-free, but in return ...
6 B.S. Myths You Probably Believe About America's 'Enemies' Spend five minutes listening to politicians and pundits talk about countries like Iran and North Korea, and you walk away thinking the world is a scary place. But politicians have agendas, and pundits want viewers. They aren't always the most reliable sources, but they're usually the loudest, which is why you probably believe that ... #6. Iran Could Start a Crazy War at Any Minute! What You've Heard: It's easy to see why people are afraid of Iran. GettyEspecially not when they look like Doctor Octopus. Actually: That's why Ahmadinejad isn't in charge -- Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is. GettyMotherfuckers act like they forgot about 'Nei. Ahmadinejad is more like the Joe Biden of Iran -- he says stupid things that embarrass the country, but the guy in power thinks he's a good enough shit, so he keeps him around. Try 14th. GettyAhmadinejad can't even talk without their pictures standing guard. GettyThis makes me Ahmadinesad. Getty"A president? GettyAll these men support regime change.
7 Insane Ways Music Affects The Body (According to Science) The world is chock full of ear hurt that some people willingly refer to as music. The Jonas Brothers, Lady Gaga, Conway Twitty; they all produce high quality records and 8-tracks for our enjoyment whether we like it or not. But music--even terrible music--has a stunning amount of power over our bodies. For instance science says music can... Slapping neuroscience right across the face, music is able to take stroke, lesion or other brain-damaged patients who have lost the partial ability to see or speak and return it to them. As long as she's dancing to Kenny Rogers... Patients with left-side brain damage who can no longer speak can find they are able to sing words, often without trouble or training. How Does it Work? Melodic intonation therapy, or singing until you can talk, takes advantage of the fact that language functions are located in the left brain, but music lives over on the right side of the brain. Dopamine is your brain's natural crack Boost Your Immune System
8 Ways To Stay Positive About This Goddamn Stupid Recession Hey, did you read that awesome title? I love this recession! Exclamation point! Losing my job in 2008 was the best thing to happen to me since I lost my job in 2001. So allow me to inspire the fuck out of you. I Have All This Free Time! You never realize how much of your life you spend at work, until you're out of it. Paul Newman died?? My days are not planned out around the lunch breaks and tee-times of some higher up. I'm Making New Friends! Since I don't have an office to commute to anymore, I'm getting to know the people in my neighborhood. Doris requests that I give her privacy while she cooks. I've even found a local watering hole just like the bar on Cheers. I'm Investing in My Future! I'm not just hanging around, waiting to hear back from all the jobs I've applied for. Just because I'm unemployed, doesn't mean I don't care about our environment. I'm Dating an Awesome New Woman! When I had a stupid job, I'd spend all my time depressed. Can you believe I once did the Atkins diet?
6 Reasons We're In Another 'Book-Burning' Period in History The next thing I'm going to say is going to make 80 percent of you want to punch me in the face, so let's get it out of the way: For the past year or so, part of my job has been to walk through library warehouses and destroy tens of thousands of often old and irreplaceable books. Book burning is something people usually associate with the Third Reich (the fact that this is the second time this year I've been compared with Nazis on this website probably speaks more about me than I would care to admit sober), a symbol of intolerance and a hatred of intellectualism. But that's not why we're doing it. #6. And I'm not just talking about the crappy local library in your nearest hick town where you assume nobody can read anyway. "No need to repair the sign -- we have an audio version." Industrial-scale book destruction is going on at the British Library, possibly the most prestigious library in the world (you can tell because it's British). #5. #4. Predictably, everyone went apeshit. Why?
6 Movie Monsters That Just Wouldn't Work Here at Cracked, we take science fiction movies very, very seriously. So when a creature flick comes along that is so preposterously ridiculous, so patently absurd, so monstrously unscientific ... well, we don't actually notice until years later when we need a premise for an article. But then we have no choice but to feel betrayed and scream "BULLSHIT!" at the top of our lungs. As seen in: Alien It latched on to a guy's mouth and pumped its offspring down his throat, which later burst out of the poor fool's chest. Why We Call Bullshit: What do aliens eat? Alien tries to bullshit its way around this by saying that the Alien's DNA merges with the host; this becomes totally ridiculous when you realize that, despite sharing a good 99.9 percent of our DNA with chimps, we're still genetically incompatible with the fuckers. Hello, ladies. As seen in: Return of the Jedi There's no way the Sarlacc could get enough sustenance to survive. Enjoy your sandwich, Sarlacc. As seen in: King Kong, duh Oh, it is.