6 Real People With Mind-Blowing Mutant Superpowers If the insane, explosive popularity if superhero movies is any indication, we are fascinated by people who are insanely better than us at any given thing. Probably because, in real life, we're all such a bunch of incompetent boobs that we've been enslaved by blue paint, flashing lights and crying French babies. But it turns out, superpowers are real. And not just the secret ones that everyone has, or even the ones everyone thinks they have -- this Cracked Classic is about a group of people that, in a sane world, would already have multi-colored leather jumpsuits, delightfully mismatched personality traits and a skyscraper shaped like whatever they decide to call themselves. We've all dreamed of having superpowers at some point (today), but the majority of us have to accept the sobering reality that preternatural abilities simply aren't possible. For instance ... #6. As with most superpower discoveries, Xiangang found his by acting like a braying jackass. So What's Going on Here? #5. #4.
7 Real Insect Superpowers That Put Spidey Sense to Shame Insects and arachnids, like humans, have their superheroes with incredible powers. The only difference is that their superheroes are real, and consistently more impressive than the human version. Just consider ... #7. In all likelihood, the first three things you learned from Spider-Man was: spider senses blah blah blah, with great power comes yadda yadda and spider webbing is about five times as strong as high-grade steel, pound for pound. Via Nationalgeographic.comAnd it does all of that without a cape! Which brings us to Darwin's bark spider, a native of Madagascar and the granddaddy of all web secretors. Via Thenatureanimals.comThis is what our troops should be wearing. We're sorry to say the reason the bark spider needs its butt-adamantium is the exact one you were secretly afraid of: it makes some of the largest webs on the planet that can reach over 80 feet in length. Via Thenatureanimals.comWe're pretty sure those are eagles. #6. ... except, of course, this one. Wrong! #5. #4.
5 Reasons Rats Are Way Scarier Than You Think Rats are kind of creepy and gross, but they're not all that bad: They make fine test subjects, decent pets and rather excellent drug wizards. Considering all that, people with a serious rat phobia seem relatively silly -- all shrieking and gathering up their skirts atop the nearest chair in response to a measly little rodent. But it turns out that those of us who scoff at a rat sighting are essentially the randy teenagers boning right beside Crystal Lake while loudly insisting that Chad, the dashing lead, should "stop being so uptight, man! Nothing is safer than having unprotected sex right next to this machete pile!" #5. Getty It's a classic movie monster trope: No place is safe from the hellspawn. "Phew! Rats are no different: No matter how sealed up you think your dwelling is, be assured the rats will find their way in if they want to. Wikipedia"Is he gone?" Another preferred rat highway is the inside of your pipes, as small as 1.5 inches in diameter. #4. That's right. #3.
5 Scientific Explanations for Your Sexual Perversions #2. We Kiss to Get Close Enough to Detect Pheromones Getty In this article, we explained the theory that kissing evolved as a way for women to expose themselves to cytomegalovirus so their future babies wouldn't get hit with a herpesesque disease in the womb. And man, is that the most unromantic explanation for kissing EVER. The good news is that there are other, less awful theories about smooching out there. Getty"My nose is telling me it's time to tongue your face-hole." But first, some background. GettyAlthough that doesn't make them shut up about it at parties. So when scientists finally got around to figuring out what this nerve did, they discovered something funny. It turns out Nerve 0 is directly connected to the regions of the brain associated with sex and gives your nose a direct, private highway to your genitals. GettyStop having sex with those flowers and we'll tell you. And what kind of things does your brain learn by picking up pheromones this way? #1.
8 Classic Movies That Got Away With Gaping Plot Holes People hate plot holes in movies. At least, that's what they'll tell you. But sometimes, if a movie is awesome enough, people will overlook even the most retarded gaps in reason and logic. At least, until some asshole on the Internet points them out and makes a big list of them. The Plot: Marty McFly goes back in time, helps his parents get together, invents rock and roll... The Hole: ...and everyone promptly forgets he was ever there the minute he leaves. Nobody notices that a famous clothing brand is later named after him, nobody notices that Chuck Berry releases a song that sounds pretty similar to the one he played at the big dance, and most importantly, nobody bats an eyelid when his Mom has a kid who looks exactly like him. Now we don't claim to know exactly what first enters the mind of a married man when his wife births a child who looks identical to their old high school boyfriend, but we're guessing it's not " time travel conspiracy." The precogs? "OK, thirty-seventh attempt..."
5 Self-Destructive Ways People Accidentally Cured Themselves Sometimes people do things that are less than brilliant. For every Joseph Lister developing important advances in sterile surgery, there is a Randy Quaid sticking lit firecrackers into his own urethra. Not to mention jamming airplanes into the massive space urethras of alien invaders. But every now and then the fates grant those who flagrantly disregard their own well-being with a second chance. Suicide Cures Depression Meet The Major, a 55-year-old British army veteran and known asshole who, after returning to civilian life, became "bad-tempered and depressed" (which seems to indicate that he was probably Irish). Then he cooked breakfast. His wife found him later that morning (either he used a silencer or she is totally deaf) eating calmly with blood leaking out of both sides of his head. To help you fully visualize that horrifying analogy. Once he was released, the Major no longer suffered from his previous symptoms of depression, moodiness and delusions. Well, now that you mention it...
5 Creepy Ways Animal Societies Are Organizing One thing we've learned during our extensive research here at Cracked is that animals are more and more amazing the more you learn about them. But there's a point on the graph where they're a little too amazing, and then it crosses into "unsettling." So we're not sure how to feel about the fact that... Chimpanzees Go to War You'd think "Chimpanzee Researcher" would be the most hilarious job in the world, what with the subjects always putting on people clothes and pretending to smoke pipes. More terrifying than the Congo chimp's alliance with the Clown People. Every once in a while groups of strong chimp males would form up and head north, toward the border between their territory and the land of the neighboring tribe. Then they did it again. You expect this kind of bullshit from apes. Source This isn't some freak occurrence, either. Ooh-ooh-ah-ah! And while we're on primates... Monkeys Have Prostitution, an Economy and Labor Strikes "Spare some tick-plucking?" Dumbasses. Service?
5 Absurd Sci-Fi Scenarios Science is Actually Working On It's no coincidence that so many of our modern gadgets seem to have come from Star Trek -- our inventors and engineers all grew up watching it. In many ways, science fiction, not science, leads the way. But while it's easy to imagine watching the hopeful utopia of Star Trek and saying, "Let's make that real!" it's a little stranger to think the same after watching Blade Runner or Gattaca. Yet ... #5. The Sci-Fi Premise: Movies about a worldwide superplague seem to come along every few years (see: last year's Contagion), but within that genre is the more cynical and outlandish "Lab creates and accidentally releases a pandemic" subgenre, like Rise of the Planet of the Apes and Stephen King's The Stand. The premise is flawed from the start, as is typical of apocalyptic movies. Getty"Tyrannosaurs are the new house cats!" The Reality: And thankfully, for once, we're right! Getty"It's down past the open-air asbestos dump. Getty"Eh, that should be good." #4. "Careful. How would that work? #3.
5 Creepy Forms of Mind Control You're Exposed to Daily One of our favorite subjects is the way marketers can use psychology to manipulate you into doing what they want (we don't think "brainwashing" is too strong a word). We know what you're thinking: You're far too cynical to fall for the ads you fast forward through on your DVR or the little tricks employed by marketers and politicians to push your subconscious buttons. But are you sure? Because science has found ... #5. The Color of a Pill Can Trick You into Thinking It's Working Getty Remember when Neo got to choose between the red pill and the blue pill? "I really hope being swallowed by a mirror is covered by my insurance." What? Did you notice how the red pill would let Neo "wake up" to the real world, but the blue pill would let him stay "asleep" in the dream world? Blue, blue and blue -- if not the package, then the pill itself. What the hell? Also blue = drowning, and certain types of poisonous reptiles. GettyAll we remember is consuming ghosts whole, and then the long silence. #4.
The 5 Most Ingenious Worlds Ever Invented by Science Fiction In no other genre is setting as important as it is in science fiction: No matter how intricate the book's plot, or how chisel-jawed that Hollywood manpile on the movie's poster might be, the universe is always going to be the real star. If you strip out the setting from an action film, you'll still have bankable hunks kicking ethnic people in the throat. If you strip out the setting from a literary drama, you'll still have quirky protagonists exchanging meaningful looks while sharing a tragedy together. *Gold star only available with purchase of Rx - Episode 2: The Reservoir. #5. Let's make sure we get the tone right from the start: Nobody's knocking any of these movies or books. Blade Runner was an amazing movie, and if anybody disagrees with that, it's probably because they first saw the original version with Harrison Ford's terrible, atmosphere-breaking forced monologue slapped on top. Just look at the sweet ass on that unicorn. Philip K. "You want me to wear what? #4. #3. Wait, what?
6 Scientific Discoveries That Laugh in the Face of Physics As we've pointed out before, there are some startlingly simple questions that science can't answer. And then there are the special occasions where the universe up and does a freaking magic trick that seems to be designed by an unjust, all-powerful entity dedicated to making scientists slowly pull off their glasses while saying, "What in the hell?" For instance ... #6. We intuitively understand the direction that energy travels -- from the thing with energy to the thing with less energy. GettyThat asshole always has to be the center of attention. There's a discrepancy between what science says should happen and what the sun actually does, and it's known as the sun's coronal heating problem. The facts are pretty straightforward; the sun's surface sits comfortably at a blazing temperature of roughly 5,500 degrees Celsius. GettyHe's a loose cannon! The heat source (the giant ball of nuclear explosions and plasma) should be the hottest thing, not the empty vacuum of space around it. #5. #4.
5 Ridiculous Medical Myths You Probably Believe When somebody wants to make you feel OK about your shitty life, they'll usually say, "At least you have your health." If you don't have that, they'll remind you of how easy modern medical advances have made your illness compared to the past. They're not wrong. For instance, you probably believe that ... #5. Getty What You've Heard When a character has a heart attack on TV or in a movie, he'll (they only happen to men on TV) usually clutch his chest like he's been shot and fall over dead. Getty"I knew all those six-Hot-Pocket-lunches would catch up with me one day." The point is, heart attacks clearly hurt. The Reality If your heart attack hurts, consider yourself lucky. Getty"Ignore it and keep reading Cracked" is our official advice for both major health problems and credit card debt. Even if you're lucky enough to have your body give you a painful heads up that your heart is thinking of quitting on you, the pain rarely comes in the form you'd expect. Getty"Hello, Domino's? #4. #3.
5 Places Where Society Inexplicably Breaks Down We have rules. We have a government. Most of us wear pants. But we're animals. #5. I like to mail headshots and DVDs of myself waving politely to our soldiers, firemen and several random addresses, just to remind everyone what we're fighting for. "Hi, I'm the only one in the world who can deliver your package, and it is not a priority for me." It's the same feeling people get when they go to the DMV (similarly understaffed, similarly line-heavy and similarly useless most of the time). At the DMV or the post office, unlike anywhere else, when someone enters and sees a line, they immediately don't believe it. If you want to see hate on a person's face, go to your local post office and watch people. #4. I don't go to music festivals, but I've been to big races and conventions, and I imagine the principles are the same, except in music festivals I assume people are probably peeing ... just always. "Raise your hands in the air if you don't care! That's what happens with big crowds. #3.
12 Pictures of Space You Won't Believe Aren't Photoshopped Look, we all know that space is the final frontier, that space is cold and unforgiving and that in it, nobody can hear you scream. But what you might not know is that, when it thinks nobody is looking, space puts on a frilly dress, covers its forearms in honey and spins around until it falls over ... because space is just flat-out crazy as hell. Oh, don't take our word for it or anything; we have photographic evidence. #12. Jupiter in Motion You know what Jupiter looks like -- kind of like a dirty marble -- and you know, objectively, that those bands and swirls you're looking at are all big storms. GIF BinIT'S GETTING CLOSER! You might have seen this before in the movie Another Earth, but if not, well, now you have this time-lapse gif to haunt your existential nightmares for the rest of time. #11. Big Bear Solar Observatory via Discovery News #10. Remember that famous face on Mars that turned out to be a big, fat nothing? By God, that was one hell of an ARG. The Crowned FacesIs that ... #9.